


promise

by Julziebee



Series: my friend is an everlasting lighthouse [1]
Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Falling In Love, M/M, Slow Burn, Slow Burn Ish, Suicide Attempt, all boys are nervous wrecks, angst with happy ending, but it's okay!!, there will be three parts!! here is the first :P
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-17
Updated: 2020-04-17
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:35:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23703982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julziebee/pseuds/Julziebee
Summary: The world stops. Neil can’t breathe. His first instinct is to look at his mother for guidance, but she’s near tears. Neil turns back to his father, and he’s thankful to be in a chair, he would have fallen over otherwise.~ not exactly sure what it is, a rewrite of the ending but then more!! my own personal shower thoughts...shower PLOTS haha sorry
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Series: my friend is an everlasting lighthouse [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1868731
Kudos: 75





	promise

Nothing was said on the car ride back. Nothing could be said. If anything was said, Neil wouldn’t have heard it, and that would have been the worst of all. His father, though his heart was cold and dead, understood that Neil was upset. It could be seen in the creases of his forehead and the slight tug at the corners of his mouth, tugging downwards. Mr. Perry had eyes.

The car doors close, but Neil is careful not to slam the door when he gets out, because he knows it’ll just anger them both. The door to the house is opened by Mrs. Perry, and although she smiles, Neil smells cigarette smoke when he enters the house. The attack, nearly as he expected, is immediate. 

“We’re trying very hard to understand why it is that you insist on defying us.” They’re in the living room--Neil still has his coat on. Mrs. Perry’s hands twitch; she’s an addict. 

“Whatever the reason, we're not gonna let you ruin your life.” Mr. Perry doesn’t blink, he looks directly at Neil. “Tomorrow I'm withdrawing you from Welton and enrolling you in Braden Military School.”

The world stops. Neil can’t breathe. His first instinct is to look at his mother for guidance, but she’s near tears. Neil turns back to his father, and he’s thankful to be in a chair, he would have fallen over otherwise. 

“You’re going to Harvard, and you’re going to be a doctor.” There is one thing that his father is right about, and that’s that Neil has the brains to make it into that school. He speaks fast.

“But that's ten more years. Father, that’s a lifetime-!”

“Oh, stop it. Don’t be so dramatic. You make it sound like a prison term.” 

_That’s because it is, _Neil thinks. _He may not be in a cell, but he will be a prisoner _. His father is stern and unrelenting, manipulative, and in that moment Neil swears he hates him.____

____

__

____He resents his father, and it’s cruel but no one can get under his skin and control him as much, no one can drive him to madness like this._ _ _ _

____“You don’t understand, Neil,” He continues. “You have opportunities that I never ever dreamt of and I am not going to let you waste them.” Neil feels glued to the chair._ _ _ _

____He’s under so much pressure, he’s never been under so much pressure. He’s had years of final exams and huge projects that make up nearly his entire grade but this is a completely different kind of pressure. Now, a boulder has been dropped on his chest and his heart is racing a mile a minute. He’s sweaty all over, and the coat doesn’t help at all. Despite everything that seems to chain him to the chair, a white rage burns through him like a forest fire. For his entire life, he has buttoned every button on his blazer and learned to tie his shoes under the eagle eye of his father. He has smiled for pictures, albeit stiffly, and he has gotten perfect scores on nearly every test he’s ever taken. He has had enough._ _ _ _

____With the fire burning through him, Neil rises._ _ _ _

____“I’ve got to tell you what I feel,” Neil begins. His mother, perhaps encouragingly, interjects._ _ _ _

____“We’ve been so worried about--”_ _ _ _

____“What? What? Tell me how you feel.” His father demands. He’d crossed the room in one stride. “What is it?” He barks. Neil looks to his mother. Her lips are pressed together in a tight line, and her hands are drawn into her. Her eyes are full of tears, though they are not yet shed. Neil looks back at his father, who seemed to grow bigger and the room seemed to shrink before his eyes._ _ _ _

____“Is it more of this--this acting business? Because you can forget that.” Neil flinches back, as if the words hit him in the face. “What?”_ _ _ _

____Neil is reminded, nearly instantly, why he doesn’t speak up. The forest fire that had been fueling him was now burning the back of his neck, his hands, his chest, his face. He was melting on the spot, losing all sense of gravity and strength. His voice was caught in the back of his throat, and no matter how hard he tried to shout, his body would betray him._ _ _ _

____Instead, he said, “Nothing.”_ _ _ _

____His legs moved on their own, and he sat back down. He gripped the chair with an iron fist and didn’t dare meet his father’s glare._ _ _ _

____“Nothing? Well, then, let’s go to bed.” There is a beat of silence, and his father stalks out of the room. Neil is left with his mother, who immediately rushes to his side and kneels behind her son._ _ _ _

____“I was good.” He breathes out, and it may as well be his last. “I was really good.” His mother nods her head slightly, her tight lips pulled into a frown to stop her from breaking open. She reaches out and rubs his shoulder._ _ _ _

____“Go on, get some sleep.”_ _ _ _

____Although she did not mean it, the nail fell into the coffin. Neil was hoping and praying that she would stand with him, but there is no use in standing when you’ve been walking on coals for years. He lowers his head and nods._ _ _ _

____The walk to his room is deafening. Words swarm his head like locusts, but he is far more than plagued. Each step is grueling, and there’s an ugly creature at the back of his head who has made its home there. It gnaws at his scalp and scrapes along his skull. It crawls through his hair, and screams in his ears. It taunts him when he closes his eyes, and the vision it leaves behind staples them shut, and Neil is a prisoner in his own home._ _ _ _

____Home. You could barely call it a home._ _ _ _

____A home is where people love you. A home is where you can trust that you’re safe and trust in your family. A home is where you can crack open your soul and no one will take a second glance. A home is something that Neil no longer has, and didn’t have for a while._ _ _ _

____Neil realizes, and it punches him in the gut and leaves his breathless, that his father will never listen to him. Neil realizes that his father only sees him as a second chance to do everything perfectly, that he will never be in control of his existence._ _ _ _

____If Neil is taken from his sanity and soul then there is no way to live. To live and to be alive, he knows, are incredibly different things, and Neil can feel his heart slipping through his hands like sand. He is deserted. He is alone and hopeless._ _ _ _

____His eyes land on his crown. It is made of twigs and red berries, and it was made specifically for him, and his character. The glory of the night was lost the minute his father made eye contact with him. The crown is a curse now, made more of thorns than anything else. He nearly laughs, how ironic this moment is. He eyes it from his bed, and he is grounded. He falls into a complete state of numbness and truth. He stands up, not having bothered to get under the covers, and pads over to his desk. He reaches for it, and the heat building up in his chest forces him to take his hands away and open the window. He lets the breeze tease at the hair on the nape of his neck and he breathes.  
He closes his eyes, and when he opens them again, the crown of berries rests perfectly on his head, because it was meant for him._ _ _ _

____If Charlie was there, he would have joked about Christianity and how Neil was the exact image of Jesus Christ on the cross, except for the fact that there aren’t nails through his hands and feet. Undoubtedly, he is just as pale, just as weighed down, and in the same exact mindset.  
He turns to the window and the cold air hits his chest. He looks out into the night, with the crown on his head, and it looks something akin to a Renaissance painting. _ _ _ _

____If Knox was there, he would wax poetic about Neil’s eyes in the moonlight._ _ _ _

____Neil will never see them again, he knows this._ _ _ _

____~ ~ ~_ _ _ _

____The minute the car left the theatre, Todd Anderson was sure something was not right. Well, they all knew that, Neil being taken from the theatre by his father was certainly a bad thing, but Todd really, really could feel that something was wrong._ _ _ _

____The minute the car was out of sight, Todd turned to Keating._ _ _ _

____“Mr. Keating, please, sir, I know--I know we can’t leave him like that--we can’t let him go--”_ _ _ _

____Keating puts a hand on his shoulder._ _ _ _

____“Mr. Anderson, there are some things that we cannot chase after, no matter how much we know.” He explains. Todd shrugs the hand off, because he has never been more terrified in his life._ _ _ _

____“Mr. Keating,” Todd begs, “I can feel it in my bones.”_ _ _ _

____Keating pauses, and really looks at Todd. His face is riddled with concern, and more importantly, fear. Keating understands then that Todd and Neil have the sort of relationship that is infinite, and that they will go through Hell together._ _ _ _

____“Can you drive, son?” He asks. Todd looks at him incredulously. “Because, as of tomorrow morning, it appears my car was stolen.” Confusion and adrenaline cloud Todd’s thoughts for a minute, but his eyebrows nearly shoot off his forehead when he understands._ _ _ _

____“Mr. Keating, I can never repay you.” He hugs his English teacher, who slips the keys into the pocket of Todd’s tweed jacked, and Todd races towards the parking lot behind the theatre. He spots the black Studebaker immediately, and he has never felt so much anxiety in his life. And, he does know how to drive, his brother gave him some lessons, but he hasn’t driven since he got to Welton so he’s nervous._ _ _ _

____On top of all that, he doesn’t know where Neil lives. Todd panics and white knuckles the steering wheel. Oh, God, he prays, please keep him safe. For his sake._ _ _ _

____Todd has experienced panic attacks before. Once, when he was eleven, he fell off his bike while riding solo. He was on a trail, and no one was there for miles, and his ankle hurt like hell. He was eleven, and his hands started shaking and he started sweating profusely and his vision blurred and darkened, and the boy nearly passed out. When he was fourteen, his brother broke his arm playing football, and Todd saw bone. He cried, and shook, and he swore he couldn’t breathe, and now, he was starting to feel quite similar._ _ _ _

____He would have been thrown into a full-scale nervous breakdown if it weren’t for Charlie Dalton banging on the window of the car, Steven Meeks trailing behind him._ _ _ _

____“Hey,” Charlie coos. “You alright, man?” Todd looks up, shaking. He manages to open the door. Meeks walks him to the passenger’s side as Charlie takes the wheel. Once Meeks buckles Todd in, he takes his spot in the back of the car. Charlie starts the car and begins to drive out of the parking lot._ _ _ _

____“We realized you had no clue where you were going, and while we all admire your heroism and love, you need some help.” Meeks explains. Todd is still shaking, but nods and utters out a “thank you”. Meeks nods._ _ _ _

____“Well, I figured I’d help you out.” Charlie smiles, but it falls soon. “We’ll get there as soon as possible, alright? I know exactly how you’re feeling.” He offers. Meeks reaches out to grab Todd’s hand, and Todd begins to breathe again._ _ _ _

____They start down the road, and Charlie has memorized the route to Neil’s house by now, after driving there day after day after day the previous summer. Todd’s leg is bouncing like crazy, and they’re going as fast as they possibly can, and it’s all so vivid that Todd knows, no matter the outcome of the night, he will remember it for the rest of his natural born life._ _ _ _

____They take a sharp turn into a dark neighborhood with big houses all bare and hollowed out. Todd thinks there are people in there and wonders, with each house they pass, if they can sense the urgency and pain dripping off of the car. Each house is void of light, and except for the occasional street lamp, the neighborhood is flush with the night. Todd feels like they’re going in circles, all the houses look similar enough and he is unfamiliar with the neighborhood, and Charlie keeps making so many turns and Meeks is saying something, but God, Todd can’t hear a thing. He’s so trapped in his head with what if’s that it’s by pure luck that he looks up to see a wreath of twigs and berries sitting on a windowsill. He cries out in pain, and only realizes that Meeks and Charlie have stopped talking when they look at the windowsill, and then at Todd, and then back at the windowsill. Charlie doesn’t bother to park the car, and the three boys run through the pristine, chopped hedges of the Perry yard._ _ _ _

____“Neil!” Todd shouts, and it is the most heart-wrenching cry that any human has ever uttered. Angels paused conversation to look down from the Heavens and take pity on Todd Anderson._ _ _ _

____Neil froze upon hearing the call. The weight of his actions, or what might have been, came crashing down on him at once, very much like a wave. He begins to drown, and suffocate, and he throws the pistol onto the floor and backs into the corner of the office like the gun had bitten him. He screams, and hears the weight of his parent’s footsteps a floor above his head. All at once, he sobs, shaking and drowning and thanking every being imaginable for saving him. His mother rushes into the room, and upon seeing him in such a state, crying and not being able to take his eyes off the gun, screams too. His father had run to the front door because Todd, Meeks, and Charlie were pounding and yelling and ringing the doorbell. The moment the ‘click’ of the lock is heard, Todd pushes the door open and runs inside. He hears Mrs. Perry in the office and runs to her._ _ _ _

____Neil is crying and shaking. There is a gun on the floor. Mrs. Perry is at his side and has cradled his head into her bosom. Todd understands immediately. He makes eye contact with Neil, and the three boys rush over to Neil to make sure he’s still there._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____Later that night, when decisions have been made and Neil and Todd are back in their dorm, Neil asks a question._ _ _ _

____“How…” He pauses. He’s sitting on Todd’s bed with Todd because he absolutely cannot be alone. “How did you guys know?” He whispers. Todd doesn’t answer for a minute, just looks at his friend._ _ _ _

____“How does a bird know to return to the nest?” He returns eventually. “It’s a promise.”_ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed :)) part two and three to come out when i get another wave of inspiration!!!!


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